First, a warning. This post is going to be fairly depressing. I don't recommend you click any of the links I provide unless you seriously want to do some crying.
A little history on where this blog post is coming from. My friend Corinne's sister lost her sweet baby just days after he was born. Lindsey and I were pregnant together, both expecting boys, and she was actually due before me. Our paths were so similar and then suddenly her path took a horrible detour. Both Corinne and her sister have blogged about the experience and life since. The words and emotions and experiences in those blogs are beyond heart and gut wrenching.
In the months since, I have been exposed to many other 'babylost' blogs through friends and friends of friends. I've also come across many blogs written by parents whose children are suffering from terrible illnesses or diseases. These blogs would be hard for anyone to read, but, as a new mom, I find myself drawn to them. They make me cry, they make me so scared for Sullivan, but they do help me appreciate the huge blessing that Sullivan is to me. I tell Daniel about these blogs and he doesn't understand why I keep reading them if they upset me so much. I don't really know either. I think part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop in my happy little life. My family are no strangers to random, sudden losses. I read these blogs about people who were so happy one day and then these unthinkable things happened to them. I almost feel like if I can journey with them through their struggle, if it happens to me, maybe I'll be better prepared. Crazy, huh? I walk a fine line between wanting to shut us all up in a protective bubble and wanting to experience as much as we can...just in case.
I never knew real fear until I had Sullivan. I suppose that's because I've never loved anything as much as I love him. The thought of losing him or him suffering in any way is agony. These blogs are like driving by a wreck. I CAN'T LOOK AWAY! I find myself asking the same questions the Moms on these blogs ask...why? Why would God allow such terrible things?
Anyways, I read these blogs, have my cry, and then try to lock those feelings away so they don't drive all my decisions and thoughts. I refuse to be ruled by fear, even though I feel it in my gut and my heart so frequently. It is a very hard thing to know you can't control everything. Can't prevent bad things from happening. Every time I hold Sullivan and rock him to sleep, I say a prayer thanking God for him and the time he has given me with him. I want all the suffering Moms out there to find some peace. I want to thank them for sharing their stories. I want to look away, but I just can't.
Some of the other blogs I follow:
One Good Thing
Williams Family Blog
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1 comment:
I love you. I don't look at your blog as often as I should because of lots of reasons. I love your baby and your sweet husband, too. You are good peoples.
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